Searchindipity for November 2011

LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 22:  A Bonhams empl...

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

AKA The Monthly WTF, where we examine, with growing incredulity, the search terms that brought people here and speculate why. I’m leaving out the obvious searches for porn, especially as just between you and me some of it is rather nasty.

Let us start with all things spiky:

  • spiky grammar
  • funny complications spikkey 7
  • spiky zink
  • small spiky microorganism
  • bacteria that are spiky and small
  • spiky weight gain
  • spiky hardware to buy
  • spiky advertising

- none of which make the slightest sense to me. Is the small spiky microorganism something that gets bullied by big, fat microorganisms?

  • what is short an spiky in french

Moi. If you’re simply trying to find out how to explain what you want to your hairdresser, there isn’t a snappy term for it, so try “court avec des mèches” and wave your hands around a bit.

  • short conspiracy theories

Dammit, you found out. Yes, all short people are part of a huge conspiracy. We are everywhere. Fear us. The ones with spiky hairstyles are the ringleaders, receiving orders from our alien overlords directly into our brains via antennae cunningly incorporated into the extra-strong hair gel. Our squeaky voices are carefully pitched to modulate coded messages into what appears to be ordinary, rather annoying speech. Randy Newman is our nemesis: he will be the first against the wall when our masters descend from orbit.

  • viz large hadron collider

Viz has done a piece on the Large Hadron Collider? I bet it wasn’t spelt ‘hadron’. Point me to it immediately!

  • take a clay bath with kitty litter

Marginally better than eating the stuff, but still too much on the pervy side for me. You’ll be wanting to marry it next. Keep me posted as how you get the ring to stay on, OK? Actually, I’m having visions of someone cemented into the bath after the cat litter has absorbed all the moisture. I hope the local fire brigade has the philanthropy to post pictures after they dig him out.

  • homeopathic lawyer

If by that, you mean one that costs a lot of money but in the end does nothing at all (cheap jibe removed by the SO).

  • acupuncture vibrator

We’ve done the acupuncture/pricks joke. I suppose this sort of acupuncture might work, for some conditions (such as not getting it often enough, or at all), but it’s Jen Gunter’s blog you want, not mine. I’m sure she’ll do a nice comparative study of magic wands, bullets and Rabbits if you ask a friendly vendor to send her samples. You’re more likely to get technical commentary than smoking hot salacious stuff, but at least you’ll know if they’re safe to use and likely to work as advertised.

  • anarchaic teapot

Oh, I like this one. It’s so delightfully old-fashioned. Should I practise talking like a 19th century intellectual, do you think? Or go completely over the top and only use English that Chaucer would understand? I mean, apart from the swearwords, which don’t seem to have changed in a thousand years?

  • burzynski stock will explode
  • burzynski stock strong buy

And brass monkeys will fly out of my… Is someone seeding the search term, or are they genuinely unaware that there are currently no plans to nuke the clinic from orbit, which is the only way it’s going to “explode”?

  • northern accent and indie music

Ah, I think this is what you’re after. Great stuff.

  • respectful insolence ronnie dio

My first reaction was: OH YEAH THIS IS AWESOME. Then I remembered that Ronnie James Dio died of cancer, and Orac is an oncologist, although not specialising in the sort of cancer Dio had. So my second reaction was: OH YEAH THIS IS AWESOME. Make it so, blogosphere.

  • sell memory lapse italian fraud junk kids listen murmurating

You been hitting the ‘shrooms, son?

  • contact andromeda council

See short conspiracy theories above. Your best bet is probably to ask the guy with the eyeballs rotating in different directions and half a ferret up his nose. He’s sitting over there in the mushroom field, just behind the cowpat. With a plastic bag over his head and mismatched socks. Talk to the green sock, that’s very important. The lavender one is completely untrustworthy.

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