Not only does he have a hideous tie, but why the hard hat for a chiropractor?
Most people have a fair idea of what a chiropractor does: crack your spine, supposedly to realign it. They know it’s a form of alt-med; might be effective in some cases, but don’t really know why it’s not part of mainstream medicine. They also don’t know the difference between chiropractors and osteopaths.
Well, until I read the excellent book Trick or Treatment (Singh & Ernst, 2008), I have to confess that neither did I. There are very few chiropractors in this country, although there are a lot of osteopaths. These latter are currently campaigning for State regulation of their profession, to prevent charlatans and dodgy diplomas from doing more harm than good. Quite a few physiotherapists go on to add osteopathy to their qualifications, as do some doctors, especially if they specialise in musculoskeletal problems. The thing is, these people remain within the mainstream of science-based medicine.
So what is Chiropractic, apart from an adjective cringingly used as a noun? Well, who better to ask than a practitioner? Here’s one that Liz Ditz pointed out to me: Zemella Chiropractic – What to Expect.
Sounds good. So, what should we expect?
Laying the foundation
Chiropractic care is like building a house – certain things have to happen in a particular order in order for everything to stand strong and work correctly. When building a house, if you tried to put up your walls before you had a solid foundation, your walls would be weak and eventually collapse. If you tried to put on your roof before the walls were ready, you would run into the same problem. The same is true for your body. Your body has to go through a particular plan of care in order to repair itself correctly and fully.
Uh-huh. Pseudoprofound waffle, aka softening up the target. This tells us bugger all, except that the practitioner wants you to think you know nothing and they are there to guide you gently and wisely through the wonderful process of healing. After all, it’s your first time. I’ll just sling a WTF point in its general direction and we can proceed with all due caution.
There are three general phases of chiropractic care . . .
What, like solid, liquid and gas? Or is this more like the electric power system? Phase One (in which Doris gets her oats, to quote John Lennon):
Phase 1: Relief Care
If you are in pain when you come into our office, the first objective is to help you feel better. Depending on the severity of your problem, it is typical to need care daily to 3 times per week for up to 4 weeks.
Now that’s an interesting claim, worthy of at least 10 WTF points. Remember, chiropractors do spinal manipulation. Is it really necessary, or indeed wise, to manipulate the spine of someone already in pain quite so often? My osteopath only sees patients once a month and, even in cases of really severe acute pain, won’t manipulate anyone more than once a fortnight. Oh, and osteopathy is gentler than chiropractic. I scent dangerous bullshit peddled by bozos. Any more on this “relief care”? Oh FFS:
Most people are under the assumption that if they don’t feel any pain that there is nothing wrong with them – that they are healthy. Unfortunately, pain is a very poor indicator of health. In fact, pain and other symptoms frequently only appear after a disease or other condition has become advanced.
So there’s nothing ostensibly wrong with you, but that won’t stop a chiroquacktor prescribing relief treatment. If a session costs, say $60 (low estimate), then assuming three sessions a week for 4 weeks that’s $(60*3*4) i.e. seven hundred and twenty fucking dollars they’ll take off you for the privilege of having them crack your back for something you probably don’t have. The average cost in the USA is around $65, apparently. For the UK and Europe, I suspect you can just replace the dollar sign with £ and €, respectively.
Right, stand well back: I need room for a good swing with the spiky end of the WTFometer. We haven’t yet looked at what this lot claim to cure and they’re already well beyond the pale, even for quacks. Thwump!
Phase 2: Corrective/Restorative Care
During the corrective care phase, joints, muscles and other tissues are allowed to heal more completely and in correct alignment, thereby strengthening the spine to its pre injury health. It is typical to need care 3 times per week diminishing in frequency with continued improvement of the spinal structures, for up to 6months o care, depending on your overall health and the severity of your problem.
3 sessions a week for 6 months (26 weeks) at $60 equals $4,680. Ka-CHING! THWUMP!
During the correction / restorative phase of your care, you will not have to receive adjustments as often as you did during the first phase of care and, depending on your particular circumstances, you may begin doing exercises and stretches either at the center or at home to help accelerate your healing.
That’s still a lot of spinal manipulation. Remember, once a fortnight in extreme circumstances only, according to a qualified osteopath and doctor specialising in musculoskeletal problems
Do not be discouraged if you have mild flare-ups in your symptoms on occasion. This is normal. Flare-ups are bound to occur during this phase because your body has not fully healed. Depending on the severity of your injury or condition and how long you have been suffering from it, this phase of your care may last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.
Flare-ups… Ooh I know this one. This is the part where you tell the patient “it may get worse before it gets better, it’s part of your body’s natural healing process” and “it’s a long-term thing: you must continue with the treatment”, then finally, when the condition clears up of itself: “I cured you!” THWUMP! THWUMP!
Phase 3: Wellness Care
Once your body has fully healed, it is important to maintain that level of health, that we worked so hard to achieve, by receiving periodic spinal adjustments to correct any abnormal changes that may have occurred from the stresses of normal daily life. Usually, this only requires a quick visit to the chiropractor 1-4 times per month, based on your lifestyle and goals.
1-4 times per mo…???? THWUMP! THWUMP! THWUMP! THWUMP! Is it still moving? THWUMP! Tossers. Mercenary twats. Bloodsucking parasites.
What else? Testimonials, obviously. Oho, a FAQ: Chiro Myths & Facts. Lessee now…
Myth #1 – Chiropractors are not real doctors
Weaseling words. First define ‘doctor’. Chiros are not MDs or PhDs, so in my book: no, they aren’t. Before any woopologists start accusing me of being closed-minded and elitist: as far as I am aware, you need one of those sets of letters after your name to be recognised as a doctor anywhere in the world. NOT A MYTH.
Myth #2 – Medical doctors don’t like chiropractors
Medical doctors have to pick up the pieces when chiropractic manipulation, especially of the neck vertebrae, causes damage (ruptured arteries, strokes and even death). They worry about the dangers of manipulating the spines of pregnant women or growing children. There is also the risk that a chiropractor may manipulate a spine damaged by tuberculosis. This is also NOT A MYTH.
Myth #3 – Once you start going to a chiropractor, you have to keep going for the rest of your life
Well they’d certainly like you to, considering the amount of money they try to worm out of you. As the site itself says “It is only partially true“. They won’t want you if you can’t pay their rates. Of course, since neck manipulation is occasionally fatal, that “rest of your life” part may prove to be remarkably short.
Alright, who’s the purulent plook behind this slick-sounding shite? Well, a lot of it merely parrots what many other chiroquacks say on their own sites, so it’s probably factory default woo to a great extent. However, I cannot resist sharing with you this statement on his blog: “Even if you don’t want to make this a career, which incidentally can be quite lucrative says your Santa Barbara Chiropractor“… No fucking shit, Sherlock.
My thanks go to the following for providing the technical info needed to write this post:
- Dr Simon L. Singh
- Dr Edzard Ernst
- Dr Guy Blasco
All of whom are real doctors (MD or PhD).
